There is power in being in the right place at the right time. There is courage in doing something you don’t want to, even though it is the right thing to do.
I have not always been active in my church. Not that I didn’t
believe. I have social anxiety that is tripped by church. Because you are supposed
to be happy at church. And so many times I was most definitely not happy.
Depression will do that to you.
But, recently, I have been making an effort to attend
regularly. I also have the assignment to teach Sunday School to 7/8/9 year
olds. Not sure of the exact range. They yelled out their ages when I incorrectly
aged them. I talk a lot about how they need to learn good habits NOW so they
aren’t like me, 40 something years old, and trying to STILL figure out my
faith.
Do I regret my life? No. It is hard to regret the choices
you make. Going back in time, would you change them? Maybe. But you made the choice
the first time, so you are more than likely going to make the same choices
again. I am smart, stubborn, and for some unknown reason, I think that it is
most definitely not going to happen to me. Even as it is/has/most definitely will.
So, all of this comes to this past Sunday. I had gone out on
an adventure/tour of a city far from Seoul on Saturday and hadn’t gotten back
to my apartment till about midnight. I was exhausted. There was more walking
than I had wanted to do (which, honestly, isn’t saying much. I hate walking)
and my body was not happy with me.
I’ve also been having a crisis of faith. Nothing major. Just
God telling me to WAIT for somethings. I hate waiting. I am not good at
waiting. I have low patience. Probably the reason God has been making me wait.
You can’t grow if you don’t challenge yourself. Or God decides you need to grow
and thus gives you growing opportunities.
So, there I was, Sunday morning, deciding if I NEEDED to go
to church. I was tired. My co-teacher could teach the class. My body ached. I
was just not feeling it.
I finally forced myself to get up, promising myself I could
take a taxi (quite a luxury for me) to and from church if I would just go.
I told God that I wasn’t happy about this, but I knew I
needed to be at church on Sunday.
There was definite hobbling to and from the taxi. I was grumbling
while I made my way to my regular pew.
BUT something happened while I was sitting there. I felt peace.
And for someone who lives with chaos of doubts and second guessing swirling
around my head, it was a definitely blessing.
As I sat (admittedly playing games to distract my hands so
that my ears could listen) I even got an answer to my problem: trust in the
Lord. A repeated message I’ve gotten for the past few months.
God honors His promises. Faith is believing in those
promises. It isn’t easy for me. I worry. I worry A LOT. I want to know
everything NOW. Trusting that something is going to work out is hard.
But, as I am sitting here, at 11pm when I really should be
going to bed, writing this, I know I did the right thing. I was at the right
place at the right time. I was where I was supposed to be.
Could I have “called in sick” to church. Yes. I was legitimately
not feeling well. But I knew that I could do it. God knew where I was supposed
to be. I also believe that doing the right thing even when you don’t want to
leads to good habits and a changed heart. And I am okay with that.
So, I will continue to do the right thing, even if I really
REALLY don’t want to and allow God to change my heart. I have seen myself change enough to know that it is worth it.
