Creative vs Academic

I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that I hate writing for acadeamia. I seriously hate it. And one of the reasons I hate it is because I have spent the past 6 years trying to write novels and short stories... And have one complete novel to show for it.
I now realize one of the reasons why I was unable to complete any novels/short stories before that time was because I was focused on writing papers that I really didn't care about. Not that I cared about this past 10 page paper I had to write either. It also turns out that I don't care for trying to preserve old buildings. Tear them down and build something new. Space is a commodity that cannot be set aside for the memory of some bygone day... But that is desides the point.
As I sit here, contemplating the issue I now face- mostly why am I still trying to get into grad school when I seriously never want to write another academic paper AGAIN- I am also waiting for my computer to defrag.
You see, I have learned recently that I cannot work in a void- I need music to keep me going. Yesterday my sound system decided to stop working. I am trying everything- including installing a new sound thingamajig to get my sound back. It is vastly frustrating since this means that I have to rely on other sources for my music to provide that background noise that helps me write...
Ah well. Hopfully this latest step will make everything all better and I can go back to doing what I do best- pretending I am going to work on something when in reality I am just going to be watching the latest TV episode...

I keep forgetting to put a title

Sometimes I have the maturity of a twelve-year-old. Most of the time I act my age, but I've been catching myself doing really stupid things lately. Like referring to a certain somebody that annoys me as "the Problem" like a girl would call the boy she likes "the Boy" or something actually relevant to his personality.
Anyway, I have to move for the school I'm transferring to in the fall, but I haven't found a place to live yet. It's kind of frustrating. I have clicked on almost every craigslist posting, asked many friends that already live there, but there seems to be no one with an available room with a reasonable price/location/roommate situation/et c. I have a couple more contacts that I can try calling, but I'm just getting tired of looking.
I constantly play with the idea of just forgetting about school and starting a photography business. I think I would really enjoy it. I've heard good reviews about my work and I really like traveling and taking photographs. I think it would suit me rather well. I don't take pictures of people very often, but I can work on that. Maybe I could move to Hawai'i and just take pictures there. Except, I feel like Hawai'i is a cheater's way of making art. Of COURSE it's going to turn out pretty. It's HAWAI'I. No skill is really needed there.
... and, I think that's about all that I want to write for now.

Dreams

About 2 weeks ago I sent my manuscript off to an agent, hoping that within the six weeks that they promised, they would get back to me. I still have 4 weeks to go and I really don't mind the wait. In that time I have had a chance to make some minor changes to the manuscript- having really only sent the first chapter (which is all they wanted to begin with). I am also trying to write the second book. It is fun going. There have been some plot twists I didn't forsee, but that is where my characters are taking me.... And I have learned from past experiences to let them run the way they would since impossing my will only ends in frustrations and dozen of pages being deleted.
It has been a dream to be a published author for over ten years. I can't believe I have FINALLY finished something that I feel is not only long enough but good enough to send out into the world.
But, despite all of the dreams of seeing my book on the shelves, with a pretty/shiny cover, I just can't really see it. Who am I to write things that other people will not only want to read, but pay for the privledge to do so? (Having only a slightly small panic attack).
Then I have the issue of family and friends. I don't think my family will like it. Don't get me wrong, we all love each other. It is just in a very distant, non-touchy-feely manner (there are many reasons for me being in California, other than school, while the rest of my family is on the East Coast). Mostly, I think my parents, and only 2 or 3 of the 9 sibblings (plus in-laws) will read it.
It will be okay. I will see this through. I just hope that my second novel doesn't take 3 years to write and edit like the last one.

Where Do I Go From Here?

These past couple of weeks have been like Hell for me. I feel like a bowling pin that has been knocked down one time too many. And now I have to decide where I want to go.
I got my latest rejection from a graduate program. I told myself when I was applying that it would be my last time applying. If I couldn't get in there, where they would even accept someone like me with a less than a perfect GPA, I wasn't going to apply again. I said that I would apply for culinary school and start planning for my own restaurant.
I am so scared about it all. Here I am, feeling like all of the answered prayers, dreams, and such that had led me to this point were wrong. Where is the dream that I had to become an archaeologist? Or Director of a Museum, which has been my dream for about 10 years now.
I feel like I have done everything that I was suppose to. But the one thing that I was so sure of that was suppose to happen hasn't. I feel like I am at the beach trying to build up a sand castle and a massive, unexpected wave has come and swept everything I have worked for away.
I cried for a day. I got the letter at work because the landlady of the place I lived when I applied, works where I do- that is how I even got the job I have now. It was about 6 in the morning and I knew as soon as I saw it what it would mean. I cried off all of most of my make up- and I had actually done a decent job that morning- going beyond the usual mascara only.
I cried for the entire day.
Then I had to pick up the pieces and find my way to a new path.
I have contacted the two schools I applied to within the past year and set up meetings to see what I can do to get in. I am still going to try to get that graduate degree, but now I am focusing/dreaming of owning my own little eatery. I am going to name it Kooks. I figure it fits me since I am partially insane. I have had ideas of what I want to do, what I want to serve there. I am going to start a journal for it.
The funny thing is that my family, my EDUCATION DRIVEN FAMILY are all behind me on this. I am completely flabbergasted. The same siblings that thought that archaeology was a bad idea are okay, if not enthusiastic, about me going this route. For a career path, I would have thought that running a museum would be considered more wise than opening a restaurant- which has terrible odds of failing within the first 5 years.
But, I shall see what the future has for me.
I have finally righted myself and am ready to dodge the next bowling ball that life throws at me.

Greatest Fears

I have discovered in my attempt to gain a new roommate because my current roommate not only doesn't pay her bills but I am her manager at work and I know when she comes in after midnight when she has to work at six in the morning that one of my greatest fears is looking like a stalker.
As I write these profiles and ads on the Internet I realize just how awkward I feel when I have to describe myself. I had similar anxieties when I was on those stupid date sites that I use to frequent (see earlier posts on the subject). Here I am, a single white girl looking for someone to fulfill some void in my life- wither it be someone to actually pay the rent on time, or someone to become the love of my life- not knowing what to say without sounding desperate and completely psychotic.
Which is how I feel most of the time anyways, so maybe it isn't that far off from the truth.

Capsized Kayaks and Three Trips to LA

Alright, so it was only 2 trips to Los Angeles, but there was a trip to San Diego and to Long Beach to get and return my friend to the airport there, but over all there was A LOT of driving invovled. And since Scott doesn't know how to drive in Southern California, I did all of the driving. But it was worth it.
I have lived in California for two years (as of Monday this week) and haven't been to the Hollywood sign. Which we had to hike 1.3 miles UP HILL to get to. All who know me know just about how much I whine. Especially when there is climbing invovled. For some reason, there was a to of climbing invovled in the adventures that occured this past week.
We went kayaking. And capsized when we were only 5 feet from shore. I was knocked underneath the boat and almost panicked when I had difficulty getting out from underneath the boat. Luckly, I got out (or this would be a message from the grave) and Scott survived. It was great. I loved it.
Then there was some exploring of the beaches along with some climbing up and down poo covered cliffs.... And that is all that needs to be said there.
Then on Sunday it was a nice relaxing day of reading and going to church. Lots of fun.
Monday we toured a musuem then drove to the Hollywood sign. It was closed. We decided to walk thinking that it wouldn't be that far. If weren't for a group of people who told us that we were already 1/2 way there, I would have been like "nope, not going to do it".
They lied to us.
It was a pretty steep walk up. And it was hot. But worth it. Even though we couldn't actually get to the sign, I did get up to it. I don't know how ANYONE would be able to find it without a map. It is up a long winding road that is fun to go up even as it is scary.
Then on Tuesday we went to see The Price Is Right. Apperantly we aren't engertic enough to get put into the bowl to get picked, and there was an INSANE wait to even get into the studio- but it was fun.
And during this whole time, Scott and I spent A LOT of time together. I would have thought that half way through I would have been like "get away from me now". But I wasn't. This gives me great hope when it comes to finally finding someone to marry (Scott and I have agreed, that despite our coming to the date of when our back up engagement should have taken affect, we aren't right for each other) that I can do it- I can stand being stuck with someone, not just for this life, but for all eternity.
Over all- it was a lot of fun and just what I needed. 3 full days away from work, fun with a friend who is a great guy, and someone gave me an excuse to have an adventure.

How??

How on earth do you people do it? How do you folks eat so much? Now I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad or say you over eat that is not the point. I'm an in some serious awe by people that can eat on a regular basis without even thinking about it.

Before I got pregnant I would eat 1300-1500 calories a day. Mostly out of fats, sugars and carbs so even though I wasn't doing much I didn't really gain weight nor loose weight I sat comfortably at 150lbs. But now I'm supposed to be eating 1700 during the first trimester and 2000 for the next two trimesters. Which is a whole heck of a lot of food for me. If all I had to do was eat ice cream then yeah that's easy but a healthy 1700 is really a lot. Today I did about 1500 today and boy am I stuffed. But sadly when I look at what I ate it wasn't much.

Half a Bagel- 2 Eggs- Slice of Toast- Juice: That was Brunch
2 Homemade Soft Tacos ( Beef, Lettuce, Tomatoes, Sour Cream, Cheese, Avocado, Tortillas)
2 Peeps

That was all. No other snacks, I drank some water but not nearly enough. While I was eating I wanted to stop several times and during the day I wasn't hungry. Now I'm sitting here dreading the fact that a desert or bed time snack still needs to be eaten. urggg.....

So you may all think I'm crazy that I should just learn to eat like a normal person but this is my rant so I can say whatever I want :)

Do I actually get the chance to act like a teenager here?

Disclaimer for those who don't already know me... I am normally not like this. I just need a place to vent. My apologies for the length.
To start off, I'm going to introduce myself... in case you don't know who I am.
I am Arletta. I am 18 years old and I am Miriam's little sister. That's about all you really need to know, I think. The rest will be filled in as I start my rambling.
I started college when I was 16. I didn't really want to start that early, but I did anyway because my mom was really insistent on my doing so. I'm graduating with my A.A. degree this semester... which ends in less than two months. I have applied to two different universities and I am waiting to hear back from them both still. I finished my applications for both schools in October.
As you may imagine, I am rather upset about having to wait so long, but at the same time I'm incredibly worried that I won't be accepted into either school and if I do get accepted into the school, I may not get into the program because it's a really tough and fast program. My GPA is that amazing (3.4-ish) and I don't exactly stand out. People keep assuring me that I'll get in, but it just irritates me, sometimes. Sure I may be smart... in comparison to some, but I'm not incredible. I have nothing that set's me apart from others. There is no reason for these schools to pick me over others.
I don't have any real back-up plan if I don't get into either school. I'm constantly thinking of possibilities and then quickly throwing them away. School is where I want to be.
I hate where I live. I have been in the same house all of my life. I feel trapped and I am growing more and more frustrated with having to stay here. I've never been so bitter about something in my life. This place has nothing left to offer me. The schools here don't even come close to offering my desired subject (Multimedia and animation, by the way). The people here are generally terrible. There are a few people that I have met here that are genuine and I love them so much, but they aren't planning on staying. One of my best friends just moved to Philly another friend is from Hawai'i and doesn't plan on staying here any longer than April. The guys are jerks and the girls are brats. So many of them are kids.
I'm not saying I'm not a kid, but seriously, I'm 18. I have a little bit of leeway. I'm told I don't act my age, anyway. People constantly mistake me for 23-24 ish. Sometimes this bugs me because I feel like I can't act like an 18 year-old anymore. I feel like I have to act older than my 18 year-old friends. I want to be ME again. I don't want to be the mellow, down-to-earth teenager anymore. I don't want to be the one people go to for advise. I hate it when they assume that I know how to solve their problems when I'm 6 years younger than them. I have so little experience compared to them. What am I supposed to do? Pretend I'm Doctor Phil? (not like he's any good, anyway...)
I constantly ask myself the reason why I'm still here. What was I supposed to learn from staying. Why didn't I go to the Art Institute of Sacramento? I could have gotten out of florida and gotten the training I needed for what I want to do with myself... oh, right. Money. Cost WAY too much to go there.
I was planning on flying out to Oregon to buy my sister's car this summer and then drive back from there to where ever I'll be going to school. I just wrote her an e-mail telling her that I don't think it would be smart to do so anymore. It was such a hard thing to do. I don't have the money to spend on a trip like that. I wanted to go so bad. It was my motivation for just grinning and bearing whatever I was given, but now that's gone. I just want out. I feel trapped.
I think that's about all that I have to rant about, so I'll leave it there...
I'm asking as an inexperienced 18 year-old for advice. If you have any, please share it.

Working Late

Here at work we need someone to stay late the first night that we send out work so that we can get it ready for the next day. And since I am the self sacrficing self that I am, I volunteer- mostly because I will be taking the night shift for the rest of the week.
Well, since I am not on the clock, since I am not doing anything but sitting here, I have hijacked my friend's headphones and am sitting here and watching Netflix...
A bit of me feels just a bit bad for watching TV (movies) at work. And yet another part of me is snickering that I am watching TV (movies) at work.
Either way, I would be sitting somewhere watching something. Might as well sit here and be here when the workers come in to turn in their work.

Ranch and Ketchup- The All American Condiments

I love ranch. I love ketchup. Usually when I am eating something with either one of these delish condiments/dresssing I smother said object in said sauce.
Lately, though, I must admit, I have been craving ranch dressing, and it has been usurping the foods that I would normally use ketchup on. Fries espeically. I don't know what it is, but I had a salad the other day and ever since I have just been craving ranch dressing.
That isn't to say that I don't go for ranch with my fries if I think I can get the resteraunt to give it to me for free.
Today I got a side salad and fried zuccini- double dose of ranch. I am a very happy kid at the moment.
I should also mention that it isn't just any ranch that I am craving. No. It is the higher quality stuff that doesn't taste like mayo. Instead it is creamy and smooth and oh so delicious.
And while I am on the subject I will expound on the whole "fried zuccini". I have never had fried zuccini before moving to California. And while I have been here I have had 3 different types. Johnny's, a locally owned resteraunt here in Riverside, has the best. It is crunchy and when smothered in ranch, it combines the best of two things. I am enjoying some right now as I speak...
While this whole craving ranch thing was going on (okay, it is still going on) I had the thought that Ranch and Ketchup are, I have heard, hard to get outside of the United States. It reminds me of Root Beer and how no one who isn't American actually like root beer.
Which makes me think what it says about our country that we are the only ones in the world to have root beer, ranch and good ketchup?

The Brownie Analogy

(I love spell check)
When I was a missionary I was told I was going to start learning Spanish. I was thinking "score! Now I don't have to learn on my own". However, despite the time that went by I never was called to go Spanish speaking. l was devastated. I was promised something and it didn't come through.
Then I had a companion (associate in other wards) who gave me this analogy. It was like I am walking and at the end of the road, there is a brownie. Now, I like brownies, and from where I am it looks delicious. But as I keep walking the path I am walking on turns. As I follow it I keep looking back thinking- I want that brownie. But what I don't know is at the end of the path that I am on there is a hot fudge cake sundae a la mode waiting for me.
This analogy came back to me this Sunday as I watched petite brunette and the former crush (by the way, my friend did something for me, which I am still grinning about, nothing bad per say- just a little dig back at the girl), I realized that he was a brownie. There is something better out there for me. Something more than just a guy (who is about 4 years younger than me) who goes for shallow petite brunettes who aren't so pretty when they don't smile and who get ignored when other cuter brunettes (not me, but my friend who ROCKS) come to talk to previously mentioned guy.

Detours and Bridges

I hate driving at night.
I hate driving on bridges.
And I hate trying to follow a detour in a strange town because I am completely certain that I am going to miss the sign and get lost and be stuck somewhere I don't want to be.
As anyone who lives in Southern California knows the highway system here can be sketchy at times. There are bridges on top of bridges on top of bridges to connect sometimes up to 4 highways in way too close of a proximity (the 405/105 interchange is the worst in my opinion, but that is besides the point).
Tonight I went out to celebrate a friend's 21st birthday (Happy Birthday Ivy!). As I was driving to the location chosen to host the celebration I had to change highways twice. That is 3 different highways I had to use to go somewhere that was less than 2o miles away. Insanity!
As I was driving I noticed that the highways I was going on had those bridges on top of bridges on top of bridges. I was worried about the first. The second one though when the realization hit that I would have to be on those bridges upon.... You get the point.
I went about my way, having fun at Dave and Busters (won a GIANT gummy bear- about the size of a softball.)
Around 10 I left to go home. As I was leaving I saw a sign saying that the on-ramp that I needed was closed and that I was going to have to go on a detour...
Uh oh.
Take a deep breath. Remember, in through the nose and out through the mouth. Deep breaths, you can do this.
Alright, turn right here. Turn left here, keep going... Was I suppose to turn there?
Eventually I figured out that the car in front of me was following the detour too. There is comfort in knowing that someone else is just as lost as I am.
Phew, I finally make onto the 15 freeway. Then comes the 60... Oh no, I have to go on the BRIDGE- and not just the lower one. No, it has to be the higher one.
Alright. Deep breath, you can do this.
Gripping the steering wheel as tightly as I can and still be able to navigate the curve that goes along with the height (they can't just make then straight, can they? No, they must have them curving. I hate bridge makers).
Phew. I got through that one. Now onto the next one... The 215. Oh crap. I think this one is higher.
Deep breath, you can do this. Oh no, I don't think I can do this. Ahhh!!
Phew. I am on the home stretch now.
I got home in one piece.... It was a close call though.

I Remember When...

Here is something for everyone. Chime in if you want!
When I was I kid, I learned about the USSR- not Russia.
I remember the Berlin Wall coming down.
When I was high school Pluto was still a Planet.
When I graduated from college Pluto was STILL a planet.
When I was a kid it was safe to walk home from school and helmets were something you knew about but didn't really wear.
I remember listening to The New Kids On The Block- when they were still new.
I used to use a VCR to record shows that I missed on TV.
The frist "record" I bought was a Cassette Tape.
When I was a kid I use to listen to records.
I remember being able to buy a candy bar for a quarter.
When I started driving gas was still under a dollar per gallon.

Sour Grapes... Or Blessing In Disguise

Funny little story...

There is this guy at church who I have been trying to get the courage up to talk to for way too long. Slowly but surely I have been working my way over to talk to him between classes and such. Last Thursday at an activity I invited him to my Mafia Night (which was a very fun night if I do say so myself). On Saturday I called to see if he was going to come but he was sick.
Then on Sunday I went to talk to him after services. He gave me a hug (myself not being a huggy type of person) in way of saying "hello" (I would guess). I was thinking "score!". While we were chatting I noticed that this girl I had seen him with earlier and had noticed him chatting with on previous occasions was staring at us.
It came time that I had to go so he gave me another hug (score times 2!). I stopped to talk to another friend and I noticed that the girl (who I shall dub petite brunette from here on out) was talking to the object of my interest.
Then, last night when I was at FHE (yet another church activity) petite brunette (who I have seen confirmed is 18) came in and sat on the same row as me and my roommate. Now, out of ALL the chairs and rows that this girl could have sat on, she chose mine... (I now am in the firm believe this was on purpose.)
Then comes in object of interest and sits down next to petite brunette...
I got up a couple of seconds later, grabbing my phone and went to the bathroom to begin texting a friend who knows all of this whole drama because not only does she work with me but she is my assistant manager and we share an office (with two windows that don't open, despite what she thinks they should do).
I calmed down long enough to be able to go back into the room with the guy who I had thought had more depth than to date someone like her (who I took into dislike a while ago, even though I don't know her- which causes problems in and of itself) and his new girlfriend (who giggled and talked through the entire Sacrament Service). I only made it through the last of the song and the prayer before I grabbed my bag, told my roommate that I had to go, and left.
I had this one guy follow behind me, much to my annoyance. (If I wanted to talk about it, I would. But normally if I am trying to escape, just let me.)
I didn't even get out of the parking lot before I was in tears. I spent last night and all of today with my friend talking about this (when we weren't doing work and having to talk about other things). I have come to the conclusion that this guy is not who I thought he was. If he is shallow enough to date a girl like that- who, in my opinion is about as shallow as she looks and giggles- then he isn't worth my time, effort, or tears.
I must say that I am mad about the whole thing. I am mad at him for hugging me on Sunday. I am mad at her for sitting on the same row when there were AT LEAST 40 other chairs and two other sections of chairs to sit in. And I am mad at myself for not only taking FOREVER to get up the courage to talk to this guy who isn't worth the time, but for being so hurt and mad in the first place.
Now, I must admit there is a part of me (that is dying oh so slowly) that is very vindictive at this moment. My friend has offered to go up to said guy while his girlfriend is about and give him a big hug and greet him the way the french and Italian do... Kisses on both cheeks...
I am giggling even as I write this at the image. (My friend is GORGEOUS by the way, so puts petite brunette in the shade).
So, I trying to figure out if I am just saying "sour grapes" or if this really is a blessing in disguise.
Personally, I going with blessing- sounds so much less petty and childish, wouldn't you agree?

Oh The Fun One Can Have

Out a sense of desperation, and much prompting from firends, I joined an online dating site. Now, there is nothing more likely to make you feel like an un-intentional stalker than an online dating site.
As I sit here, typing some snarky remarks about the absurdity of the very act that I am perpatrating, I am anxiously awaiting for a response to a note I sent this one cute dentist from Washington whose pictures that he has posted mostly have him in swim trunks and a neice at some lake... Sigh.
On this dating website there are "flirts". I must admit that I may have gotten a bit carried away when I saw a friend on that site. We aren't particularly good friends. If I see him on Facebook I will chat with him, if he has the time for me. But that is about it. I just sent him 3 flirts, only one of them un-intentional- I pushed the wrong button. Boy was it fun! I giggle to think of his reaction when he sees them.
However, as much fun as those flirts are, I am wishing there was more of a variety to them. Maybe some sarcasm, or things along the lines like "ew" (There are rejection "flirts" as well as the "winks"). I get a bit creeped out when guys who are over 40 are looking at my profile. (Not a chance buster)
But back to the stalking...
I feel like such a stalker as I click on the cute dentists page and stare at his cute smile (and he really is cute). Or I go to chat with someone who so obviously doesn't want to chat with me because he will join the chat only to immediately quit as soon as he figures out who exactly it is.
What is with our society and the encouragement of stalking? First we have online dating sites. Now we have FICTIONAL characters who stalk the object of their... well, obsession, and girls find that "romantic" instead of the creepy that they should. (Seriously America? Eward Cullen is a fictionaly character and can NEVER love you since he isn't REAL).
*huff*
But enough about that.
Now, I am going to go back and do a bit of socially approved stalking.

Backs, Memory Foam, and I Have Got To Go...

I woke up this morning with a stiff back. Now, normally this wouldn't be so bad, but I really had to go to the bathroom. So I managed to roll over and crawl to the half bath (basically my own sink and toliet, which has so many benefits). At the door I tried to stand up. First I tried to pull my legs up underneath me. That wasn't working. I tried to pull myself up by the door. That didn't work. Eventually I managed to pull myself up so that I was kneeling but upright instead of on my hands and knees. I then managed to get a leg up and finally managed to get all the way up. After I was finished with that room I made my slow hobbling way to the kitchen where I knew my purse was located. I dug out the Excedrin Back & Body that I had there and took two- which is the recommended, but I usually only take one since I don't want to take too much pain medication or asprin which either gives me nose bleeds or causes excessive bruising. I then hobbled my way back to my bed and managed to fall into it without hurting myself.
I have had back problems since I was 13 and thew out my back while doing the standing long jump. It is just something I deal with. But I can't be out with a bad back at the moment. I have work and bills to pay.
I had this brilliant plan to get a futon for a bed when I moved into my new place, not thinking that no matter how soft they say the pad is, it isn't going to be soft enough for my back issues. Well, that has come back to haunt me. So, when I have a bit more of the ready cash, I am going to buy myself a 4" foam mattress topper to go with my 1 and half inch one I already have but isn't doing much for me at the moment.
Wish me well.

Miriam invited me to blog on her site.

I was tempted to make her regret it by sharing some terribly embarrassing, yet amusing, story of her as a child; unfortunately, the only things I could remember were terrible things I did to her before swearing off pugilism. Well, there was that one time that I figured out she'd been using my toothbrush, but that story lacks entertainment value.

Thus, I'm left with no other option than writing a sincere ode to how I love my sister and am so happy that we have put our differences (and fisticuffs) in the past and have become fantastic friends.

Oh to be near my sister, Miriam, who I love and adore. If only California were not so far away....

See you in April, sis.

Saying Farewell

I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. I've seen him cry before but never like this, this was something completely new. A new form of sadness so encompassing that found myself starting to cry. I figured I'd cry today but I didn't think it would be from his sadness first, I thought I'd be the one to break and just lose it entirely. As I soaked in his sadness there was an odd strength to it. That strength came from knowing that this will pass separation is only temporary, which almost made you really comfortable crying. Making all the doubts about how you feel or should feel wash away. Then he hugged me.
Oh that hug could have moved mountains there was so much love in it. For a few seconds time stopped, and the world didn't matter. There was only us. When we let go I thought our hearts would break but amazingly enough we simply looked at each other and we had the strength to go on for a few more seconds and as the seconds passed they got easier.
There were still tears, hugs and loving kisses but peace reigned overall. A peace and safety that only comes from the Holy Ghost, Jesus Christ and our loving Heavenly Father. As horrible as those moments were I could only image the pain and suffering if we hadn't had help from above. Especially as he pulled the car out of the driveway and drove off into the rain.
I now sit here alone, sad, worried but at peace. Knowing that this, this is the really sucky part of an amazing adventure that I am privileged to be on.

Things That Come Back To Haunt Us

So, the "oh crap" moment was what I thought it was. Now I have to find the correct wording that I want to use to diffuse the situation.
Wish me well.

I Am Going To Be A Carney!

I have decided to become a carney. After spending a marvelous hour and a half spent at a itty-bitty parking lot fair with some friends (and a bit too much money- but completely worth it) I have decided to run off and join the circus- or fair. I think I can pull off the whole carney act.
Or maybe not.
But for the first time in what seems like FOREVER I had a GREAT night. I went on my very first ferris wheel ride. I must admit I might not ever go on one again. I was in constant fear of rocking the little bucket of seat I was in with a friend and causing both of us to tumble to our deaths. Then the guy running the thing just left us at the top.... There were a few curses from both me and my friend.
Then we went to the bumper cars. I will toot my own horn here and say that I am an excellent bumper car driver. I now know how to ram into someone and even get the person behind them while I am at it.
The rides were a bit expensive, and I had to pay for the games seperately. But I got an emergency bear bottle of shampoo that also doubles as a whistle... There is a joke in there, I just know it. I also ended up with 8 goldfish. Two of which already have names, with a couple of others rattling around in my head, just waiting for daylight to make sure I properly name them.
I am somehow going to smuggle them into my office on Monday...
Altogether a great night.
Next adventure- the circus.

Calling Good Evil and Evil Good

I had a friend who posted some of the lyrics to "The Phantom of the Opera" and I made a casual remark that the Phantom is sociopath with deliusions of grandeur. This spark along debate that somehow included Hitler and how he was a great leader. I took immediate offense to this. Hitler was NOT a great leader. He was charsamatic, definitely. But he used fear and propaganda to control the masses. I will also point out that he never gained more than a third of the votes before he shut down the whole democratic process.
I am tired of people excusing others because they want to see the "good" in someone, or something. But there are some things/peope that are just "evil".
Take Hitler. He may have been motivating and whatnot but his actions, his intent, was never good. I don't care that the atmosphere of the day was very anti-semitic. I do not care how you were raised, you are still responsible for your actions. Murder is wrong no matter how you look at it.
We cannot excuse people because they have had a bad life. That is NOT an excuse. I know plenty of people who have had the worse life expereinces, and yet, they are more than what the world would "excuse" them to be.
You are responsible for your choices. You must own up to what you have done. Just because society says that is alright does not make it so.

Oranges

I had a couple of bad experiences with oranges when Iwas about 10 years old and had sworn off them for about 15 years. Then, when I was a missionary I had a couple that were good, but never followed up on the expereince. Recently though I have been craving oranges. So, I was like: what the heck, I might as well.
And I must say I am now hooked. I have probably bought 5 pounds of oranges over the past week, trying not to get to many only to have them go had and gain a distrust of them forever more...
Today I took a friend to where her boyfriend lives and at the house he lives at there is an orange tree in the front yard. Now, I am not the most patient person, so when he took FOREVER to get up and to the door, I meandered my way over to the orange tree and doing a quick, over the shoulder look, I picked one. I must also say that I was half way through peeling the orange before the guy finally came out of the house.
It was a mightly delicous orange too. I am going to see if the guy who lives there (the one my friend's boyfriend rooms with) will be willing to trade a bag of oranges for a loaf of bread.
I mean, it was a REALLY good orange.

An "Oh crap" moment

Do you ever have those moments that something you did 10 YEARS ago comes back to bite you? Okay, maybe it wasn't that long, but is is more than 5.
I am hoping that this whole thing is just a moment of vanity on my part and that what I think is going on really isn't going on....
But if it is, there will another post to go with this one in a week or so.
Help!

I had this brilliant post composed in my head last night, as I worked the "afternoon" shift at work. Then I stayed up till 1 watching TV since my day is completely shot by my work schedule and I don't have time watch TV at any other time... Or do anything else but go to work, eat, and sleep. Now I have lost the brilliantly thought out post. Instead I feel like a little whinny girl who now gets to complain about work.
How did I become this person? The one who does nothing but work, sleep and eat (not always in that order)? I am at 50 hours already and I have atleast another 10 to go (and yes, it is Saturday today, but the work must get done).
When my company decided to expand and the manger of my department decided to work from home, I was made manager. I was so scared to tell the assistant manager that I got the position because I was afraid of what she would say or feel. Now I know she would have turned it down anyways. Self preservation- pure and simple.
And because we expanded and we don't have the computers to handle the people we need to complete the work that needs to be completed, we went to shifts. 6 to 2 and 2:30 to 10. My two assistant managers both wanted morning. And considering what they do, mornings are best for them. However, that left me with the night shift.
This wouldn't be a problem except that we have a 7o'clock meeting that I have to be at. And if I am going to be going that early, I might as well go in at 6 so I can take one of my assistant managers because she can't drive at the moment.
So, I don't get home till 10:30, stay up for a bit longer because I am not tired enough to sleep, but too drained to do anything else, then get up around 5:00 and hit the snooze button as much as I can until I HAVE to get up. Then I go to a meeting for a couple of hours, come home, take a nap then get up and really get ready to go back to work.
I didn't think I would be this burned out. But I am getting there. My only consolation in all of this is that my Office Manager has noticed the craziness that is my schedule and is trying to move the meeting time. And work will be slowing down, so I might be able to go to a more regular schedule.

Testing testing, one two, one two

I find myself wanting to chase things lately. Little dogs, my sister... I think that it has to do with my limited social interaction. I was beginning to feel bad about it, since it really didn't stop with just chasing, it was also that I wanted to hit people in the butt, or trip them, or really just get them to pay attention to me. I don't think that I got it all out when I was a kid. You know how they tell you the kid that acts up is the one that needs attention? I was a great kid, but Shoot! I need attention now! Poor Arletta, she's getting the brunt of it: I think I've chased her and hit her (not hard, now!) and in general been more annoying to her than anyone else in the last month or two.

If it's bad, then why is it so satisfying?

Pretty Good Is a Qualified Answer

For anyone who doesn't know me I'm sick a lot. And if you do know me I'm still sick a lot. Needless to say people are always checking up on me, not just normal "hey how ya doin" but "how are you feeling today" or "how are you dealing". Many years ago I decided on an honesty policy when people ask me questions like that. Mostly I answer "Pretty Good". That is my honest answer, sure maybe I could elaborate but I don't want to overload people with my problems unless they really want them. But that's a point for another ramble. Anyway..... back to pretty good...... So I give this practically all the time, and it really is an honest answer. If I'm out and about, or had enough energy to let you in my front door I'm pretty good. What gets me is the audacity of some people to say "just pretty good?" Oh come on folks!!!! Accept the fact that my life has more challenges than yours and the fact that when I get out I'm only 'pretty good'. Be thankful that I'm not miserable, horrible, bad, or even awful. Also remember that pretty good is better than just plain good. So no I'm not to your level of everyday is described as terrific or awesome those words I reserve for extremely special days so I, and those close to me, know that it really was a stand out day.

So if someone says they are pretty good take that at face value. Let them enjoy whatever level of good their day is. And if you have to ask a secondary question ask, "What makes it pretty good?" but only if you really want to listen and care about what will come out of that person's mouth next. And if you are a person describing your day, never lie. If your day really is awesome, bad, rockin, or even pretty good then say so people want the truth.

Until the next ramble :)

Things We Do For Vanity

My feet hurt. I would like to say it was for something noble- like walking 5 miles to save gas. But no. I wore heels today at work, forgetting that I was going to be training 15 new peope today. Then again, I didn't think I was going to have to stand. I was suppose to be sitting down and only instructing two or three people. But it didn't happen that way; my life is ruled by Murphy's Law (by the way, I still haven't figured out who Murphy is and why he gets a law).
A while back I decided (after a long office meeting that included a discussion about the office dress code) that I should look more professional. And I do. Not only do I look more professional, I like to think I look cuter too. I have discovered that I like to wear skirts (they hide my "extra" weight rather nicely). I like to wear heels. They make me feel sophisticted. And for someone who is mentally at least 3 to 4 years younger than I am, it is important that I feel like I am accomplishing something in my life that makes me feel more my age.
Speaking of accomplishments and age, my 1o year high school reunion is coming up- or it would be if anyone is organzing it. And I don't want to go to it and say "Well, I moved to California. That is about as big of an accomplishment as I could acheive in the past 10 years". No. I want to say something MUCH more impressive. Something along the lines of "Well, I moved to California, was on a TV show and you could actually SEE me. I got into grad school in LA and will start this fall. I am a manager at the place I work and don't I look cute?" The cute part being the most important.
But my feet still hurt.

excited over little things

I get excited pretty easily.
Tomorrow is the first day of classes for the next semester and I'm pretty excited about the silliest things about it. It's my last semester at the community college, so I'm pretty stoked about that. I am taking a digital photography class and am so excited about it. I am also taking another semester of German, which is an amazing language that I would love to become fluent in.
Today my mom and I went shopping for warmer clothes, because living in Florida tends to leave one with inadequate clothing. I went and was excited about the silliest things like the hat and shirt combinations. I would have gotten them all if I had the money. Instead I just got the one of sonic the hedgehog. And argyle. I love argyle. I don't know why, but I do. Plaid comes second.
One may read this and think that I'm easily amused and might condescend my excitement, but I have a saying that goes, "I'd rather be easily amused rather than never amused at all." just think about it. One could be easily excited or constantly bored. take your pick.

Facebook Stalking

So, there was this e-mail going around about things for 25 to 35 (ish) people and it talked about Facebook Stalking. Now, most of the people I know have made it so that you can't access anything interesting about themselves. However, in my first ever attempt to "stalk" someone on Facebook I found that his profile was open.
It was like Christmas!
Oh the fun I had for a couple of hours going through photos (and I must say he is cute). At the end of a couple of days of excitement, I gave it up. I mean, really, how long can one look at the SAME pictures?
So, please, update your photos regularly. You never know who is sighing from afar over how cute you are, because you left your profile (and photos) open to the public.

In The Begining

This is meant to be a place that all who want to can post ramblings- to let out pent up feelings, say what they want (keep it clean) and to just express to the world what one wants the world to take note of.