Random Writing

  Writing sample. Found this floating around on my desktop and decided to post it. I know I haven't posted here in FOREVER, but I need an outlet. And I think it is funny.  

Inanimate Objects

Some people can be described as inanimate objects, or utilitarian technology. This person reminds you of your toaster: makes great toast, when it wants to cooperate.

Or that person who works two cubicles down and three across, reminds you of a cuckoo clock. He is functional, and has a purpose for taking up space, but at certain regular intervals he becomes loud and obnoxious so all you want to do for the rest of the day is gag and bind him; and quite possibly pushing said chair, with him attached, down the stairwell.

Or your neighbor who is like that old beat up car that somehow always manages to get ahead of you on your way to work, and chugs all the way up that long hill, and all you can do is stay a good distance back and pray that it won’t come rolling back and hit you.

 

Table For One

There is something fundamentally wrong with eating at a busy restaurant when one is dining alone. I always feel weird when I have to answer “one” to the hostess’s question of “how many”. Then I am taking up an entire table for only one, and I feel guilty.

It is like going to the movies by oneself. It is okay to buy one ticket, but when you are sitting down, you should have someone sitting next to you that you have known for longer than the time you were standing in line waiting to be let in for the weekend blockbuster that you have been waiting to be released for three months. Yet, what else is a single anti-social person to do?

 

First Date

When I go out on a date for the first time there are certain things I want a guy to understand, but cannot in any polite way say; or none that I have been able to think of as of yet.

First, don’t try too hard to impress me. I really don’t care all that much. I have not yet decided if I want to invest anything real in this relationship, or if I really want this to be a relationship. There was a reason I said yes when you asked me out, so let me figure out if that is something I want to build upon.

Second, please do not go on and on about pretty I am, or anything like that. Of course I know that I am cute, and that you probably think so too, because otherwise I doubt that you would be here with me.

Who decided that the perfect first date was dinner and a movie? The first date is awkward enough as it is, but add food, which you can not have in your mouth and talk at the same time (at least not and retain the illusion of not being the uncouth heathen that you really are), and then go to a dark place where about all you can do is hold hands and fugitively whisper quick questions or answers about what you are watching. This makes it really difficult to ask all those important questions like “what is your favorite color”, or “so, what type of music do you like to listen to”. 

Of course you can always try the wait-until-their-mouth-is-empty-ask-a-question-then-shove-your-mouth-with-food trick. This technique occasionally works. By the time they are done answering they can use the same trick on you. That way you both take turns eating and talking.

That is unless you end up with a person who either likes to talk, or doesn’t like to eat. Then you never get a chance to say anything. Which is occasionally okay, but everybody likes to talk about themselves. So after a while, you really wish the person you are with would shut up and let you tell them what a cool person you are and the reasons why they should want to continue to date you, other than the fact that you have a cute smile.

 

Oh The Fun One Can Have

Out a sense of desperation, and much prompting from friends, I joined an online dating site. Now, there is nothing more likely to make you feel like an un-intentional stalker than an online dating site.
As I sit here, typing some snarky remarks about the absurdity of the very act that I am perpetrating, I am anxiously awaiting for a response to a note I sent this one cute dentist from Washington whose pictures that he has posted mostly have him in swim trunks and a niece at some lake... Sigh.

On this dating website there are "flirts". I must admit that I may have gotten a bit carried away when I saw a friend on that site. We aren't particularly good friends. If I see him on Facebook I will chat with him, if he has the time for me. But that is about it. I just sent him 3 flirts, only one of them un-intentional- I pushed the wrong button. Boy was it fun! I giggle to think of his reaction when he sees them.
However, as much fun as those flirts are, I am wishing there was more of a variety to them. Maybe some sarcasm, or things along the lines like "ew" (There are rejection "flirts" as well as the "winks"). I get a bit creeped out when guys who are over 40 are looking at my profile. (Not a chance buster)

But back to the stalking...

I feel like such a stalker as I click on the cute dentist’s page and stare at his cute smile (and he really is cute). Or I go to chat with someone who so obviously doesn't want to chat with me because he will join the chat only to immediately quit as soon as he figures out who exactly it is.
What is with our society and the encouragement of stalking? First we have online dating sites. Now we have FICTIONAL characters who stalk the object of their... well, obsession, and girls find that "romantic" instead of the creepy that they should. (Seriously America? Edward Cullen is a fictional character and can NEVER love you since he isn't REAL).

*huff*

But enough about that.

Now, I am going to go back and do a bit of socially approved stalking.