How to Mourn a Dream that May Never Happen

 I am no longer a spring chicken. I am what a fan of Jane Austen, Bridgerton, and the Bronte Sisters, would call a "spinster". Well past my prime. An Auntie, if you would. Or… dare I say, a yet-to-be cat lady? Will I die alone with my fifteen cats who will eventually eat me because they have no other source of food??? In forty two years… since I have decided I don’t want to live past eight-four…

I’ve got time to worry about hungry cats.

My laundry is singing the song of its people. I must type faster.

I have had a dream since I was young. When asked what I wanted to be in elementary school I would answer a mom. Or an astronaut. It was the 80s, astronauts were cool. However, a hatred of math, a fear of falling, and a general sense of dread when I contemplate the vastness of space put a stop to that dream.

But what about the other one? The dream I had of finding a prince charming, a knight in shiny armor, a rugged firefighter-esque type to come sweep me off my feet and buy me a house and give me my five children, who all have names and personalities in my mind? What about THAT dream. Which should have been a completely reasonable goal to achieve.

But alas! No R2D2 to my C3PO, no Batman to my Robin, no Robin Hood to my Maid Marian (which is NOT how you spell my name, I am going for historic accuracy). Or would I be Little John? And which version do I want to be?

But I digress. I will save that rabbit hole of a thought process for some fateful night when I can’t get to sleep and I actually remember this internal dialogue.

Back to my dream.

I read an article somewhere (since I do that frequently, and rarely remember the WHERE of the reading) about someone talking about how do you mourn the death of the dream of having children. People mourn the death of a child. People mourn still born child who they never really got to meet. People mourn miscarriages. But how do you mourn a child who only existed in your heart and mind?

It hurts. Because I can’t really talk about it. Not that I think society allows people to properly mourn a stillborn or a miscarriage (I send hugs to all of the moms who have angel babies). But to not even have something tangible to hold onto in the first place?

So, I hold onto faith. I hold onto the promise that God loves me. Coming close to God does help. I always scoffed at people who said that. I am cynical and am SLOWLY changing my heart.

It still hurts sometimes. I teach kindergarten age children in Korea. I know God was like “Here you go, a reason NOT to have children. Oh, and reassurance, that once it does happen, you will be a good mom”.

Will I have children? I don’t know. I have faith and hope. Are there days when it hurts? Yeah. Are there days I am sure I will be world’s worst mother and screw up my children? Way more than there should be.

But then there are days when I get hugs from my kids, who are not my kids. And there are days when I remember that life isn’t over yet. My cats haven’t eaten me yet.

Here is to tomorrow and the dream that I refuse to let die. Here is to Joshua and Rebecca (they named themselves, probably to prevent me from naming them something weird. I’m a writer. The temptation is there). I look forward to meeting you. One day.